Bringing the world into your family

Learning how to live with the different and challenging “other” is no longer an option, but rather a neccessity in today’s world. There are various cross-cultural institutes, associations, and countless forums, training people in acceptance and interest towards their unlikes. Few give a thought that cross-cultural marriage could be one of the most successful, and beautiful of such trainings…


Psychologist and marriage therapist Raymond Switzer, who also lives in a cross-cultural marriage with his Persian wife Furugh, is definite about cross-cultural marriages being both rewarding and challenging. This is how he explains it: ”The process of socialization tends to ’cut off’ certain aspects of a child’s core energy. Different societies tend to bear down on different aspects of that energy. This becomes part of every individual’s lost self. When we marry someone from a different social background, they may have very different aspects of their lost self and other aspects which are very well developed.
”A man, for example, from Latin America may be more gregarious and like to dance and move his body while his wife from England may have disowned these natural impulses,” goes the therapist, about half of whose cases are cross-cultural, but he rejects that as an indication of cross-cultural marriage being a bad idea. This may challenge and surprise the husband and become a source of conflict. However, if a couple really learn to communicate their frustrations and be genuinely heard by their partner, behavioral changes can occur which move them closer together. The socially repressed side of us can begin to flower again in this process and the marriage can help us become more whole.”
According to Switzer, cross-cultural marriages are usually more challenging and any couple should be aware of this. A social role or behavioural pattern that is absolutely natural and unquestionable in one society could be very odd, or even unacceptable in another one. For example, since Persians are very sociable and talkative, it took a certain time for Switzer’s Persian wife not to interpret his quietness as an indication of rejection or anger, as it would have normally been interpreted in her community. Also, in learning to stretch into being more talkative, he started to recover aspects of his lost self and discovered that it helps to verbalise things, instead of keeping them in his head.
“Men and women normally seem to come from totally different planets, so any marriage in itself is enriching because you have to stretch yourself to understand the other point of view and see the world from their perspective, if you want to have a good marriage,” Furugh Switzer adds. “Now, add to this equation two different cultures, and it will be equally more enriching (and challenging), because you will be exposed to yet another world which you did not know before, and that will expand and enlarge you as a person. This way we can give a much richer heritage to our children as well, as this can help to unify mankind and eliminate of prejudices.”

great differences
But surely, there may be greater differences in cross-cultural marriages than one or another social role. As the differences between religions can be just as great, cross-religion couples could be also considered cross-cultural, and although believed absolutely impossible by many, for Anna and Jürgen N., who both preferred to remain in anonymity, it can work very well! Anna is a Jewish Hungarian, married to an Austrian gentleman, Jürgen N., – a devoted Roman Catholic. The couple shares a home with their two young children, with whom they are on the permantent move between Budapest and Tel Aviv. They also represent the rare case when neither of the parties converted to their spouse’s religion.
“Our extended families do not have any common holiday, lest we have the chance for argument over which one of them to go to”, Anna explains. “The children participate both with Chanukkah and Christmas, and my Jewish family in Israel buys Christmas gifts for my husband when we spend the end of year in their circles.”
The couple says when there is chemistry, no matter whatever ethnic, cultural and religious background the persons involved represent – their decade-old successful marriage is the best proof of boundless love and acceptance. Religiously, the only challenge so far has been the dilemma of whether or not bending the children towards any of the religions – to prevent problems, the N.s decided to just talk of a general God to the children and allow them to choose their spiritual path when they are ripe enough to do it responsibly.
“In general, our family enjoys all of our various cultural foibles: for example, I love Jewish music, dance and food; and my wife can not miss our winterly skiing trips to Tirol,” Jürgen laughs. “Our children bond to both cultures and seem to have picked the best features from both. And regarding our relationship, while my wife and I may have originally been attracted by our similarities, it is our differences that have kept us interested.”
Indeed, the differences and the bridges of love built over them can be very much inspiring and a constant source of curiosity. So much that some people, like Dzsemma Javanova Papdeák from Kalmukland, who married her Hungarian husband over two decades ago, has even organised an NGO for such families, under the name TKCSE (Többkultúrájú Családok Egyesülete; Association of Multicultural Families). The association regularly hosts cultural evenings of the country of origin of members, whereby their guests can get a glimpse into the traditions of those countries. So far, they have had the Norwegian, the Ethiopian, the Kalmuk, the Persian, the Angolan, the Nigerian and the Mozambiqan cultural evenings.
”One positive aspect of multicultural marriages is that most of the children from such marriages are eminent students,” Papdeák claims. ”Perhaps it has to do with the fact that due to their dual identity, they increasingly follow the behavioral patterns in their country of residence.”
TKCSE also has socially-challenged members, such as single parents and unemployed couples. For them, social integration is even more difficult, therefore they are increasedly supported by the association.
”Our goal is to encourage the local community to accept people with different social and ethnic backgrounds,” Papdeák explains. ”With our programmes, which are organised in partnership with other NGOs and institutes we would like to help people know some refugees, single parents, poor, disabled, and other mates of less advantaged social status, and to make them look for values in them.”

international chemistry
The teacher couple Battaglias may consider themselves even more cross-cultural, as 34-year-old Philip Battaglia is an offspring of an Italian immigrant family of the U.S., hence the name. Battaglia arrived at Budapest for a training course in the late 90s, where he met his present wife, Judit (25), with whom they have a little boy, bilingual Christian Benjamin.
”I had not really known much about Hungary, except some readings about 1956,” he recalls. ”But their lifestyle was very interesting for me, as a number of their ways, like the size of the apartments, or how much fun they can find in bathing, are totally different from what I was used to in America. I also thought that women were much nicer here. I just don’t like American girls in general.”
On the other hand, and besides the extraordinarily strong physical chemistry between the two, Judit was charmed by his typical American ”take it easy” feel, as he appeared to have taken it as a lifestyle, which can be quite refreshing for someone who has grown up in the midst of stressed and pessimistic Hungarians.
According to Judit, Hungarians are definite that living standards are much higher in America. She knows it from when her Magyar friends find out she has an American husband, they regularly ask of why she is still in Hungary. But Philip is quick to add that despite the material success overseas, there are some ways in which Hungary is ahead of the U.S., namely the much stronger sense of family ties and the great quality of public childcare.
”Although I feel some Hungarians are very xenophobic, and sometimes I had the experience as if I lived out of a Munch painting because of all the concrete and the lines that seemed to be so sharp , inside the buildings, all in all I am very glad I am married someone Hungarian,” smiles Battaglia. ”We miss things from America here and miss things from Hungary there and we are glad to offer both cultural identities to our son.”
”The success of a relationship in which people from other countries or even continents are involved is mainly impacted by the strength of chemistry and the honesty of the emotions of the partners,” psychologist Gergely Kisházy points out. For some, the cultural differences, the exotic language of the partner, or the distant societal traditions of their homelands may mean exciting opportunities, while others would be frightened by those and therefore prefer to choose their mate from their well-known social environment.”
According to Kisházy, the psychological background of those choices is mainly one’s learnt socializing patterns, personal attributes and the expectations of their environment. But whatever your choice is, if the motivation is an unconditional feeling, then the relationship can be expected to be successful.
”Once we fall in love with someone, soon it won’t matter whether you are white or black, religious or not, or fat or thin,” the psychologist summarizes. ”Why, if you can be in love with the person, it doesn’t matter in which language you tell them: I love you.”

Moni Oyeyele

17.12.2008